Self-love, for the longest time, was a fleeting guest in my life - appearing only in the presence of external validation. This ephemeral sense of worth would surge in me whenever I received affirmations or compliments... but the minute the praise dried up, so did my self-love. Let me tell you, it was exhausting.
This external dependency rendered my self-love conditional. It was hinged on a system of reward and punishment: receiving admiration from others led to self-acceptance, while the absence of external validation plunged me into self-reproach. This wasn't the embodiment of unconditional love, but rather a reflection of a deeper societal malaise – a love contingent on external validation and unrealistic societal benchmarks of beauty and value.
My narrative is far from unique. It seems like everywhere you look, people are chasing likes, follows and outside approval as if our worth depends on it. No doubt that in our era, this epidemic of comparative self-assessment has reached new heights, fueled by the relentless bombardment of carefully curated photos and idealised lives on social media. Let's not forget as well the pervasive messages that our worth is dependent on material success and physical beauty. No wonder so many of us feel a gnawing sense of inadequacy.
SO HOW DO WE BREAK FREE FROM THIS CYCLE?
How does one build an unconditional type of self-love that doesn’t need a constant thumbs-up from the world? It starts with letting go of the things we cling to because we think that they define us. Letting go of self-beliefs, coping mechanisms and masks which we think keep us safe, but actually keep us small. Letting go of these attachments and beliefs is one of the most powerful exercises in self-love one can do. This is the story of how I started that journey.
I used to have these long beautiful curly locks. My hair was a mane - a source of great pride cascading down my back in ringlets. And I'll tell ya, I got a lot of attention for them. People were always commenting on my hair, it was my most iconic and memorable feature - the thing people would remember about me, even if my name eluded them after a social gathering.
And I became attached to it. It was a shield, a comfort blanket, a way to feel valid and beautiful. Whenever I was asked if I would ever consider cutting my hair, I would always joke and say, “80% of my personality is in my hair. If I cut it off, who would I be?” I was so genuinely attached to the idea that I believed no one would want me if I changed how I looked. I would lose the one thing which made me stand out. It is only in retrospect that I can now see how fickle this type of self-love is.
But then, one morning, quite spontaneously, I cut it all off.
Everyone was shocked, including me… But whenever people asked how it felt I'd tell them: I feel free. They’d smile and nod as if it was an obvious answer, but they didn’t know that when I said ‘free’, I was talking about a spectacular kind of freedom… The freedom from attachment and external approval.
My attachment to my long hair wasn’t just about how I looked, it was deeply linked to my fear of inadequacy, to my need for approval, to my attachment to people liking me.
Unconsciously I believed that I was unworthy and I was walking through the world searching for confirmation that this was true. I didn't even realize I was carrying these beliefs around. They were like old, familiar friends who had been with me for so long, whispering in my ear. I found myself in situations that seemed to echo back these negative thoughts about myself. I was a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. I was so afraid of being hurt, of feeling that sting of rejection or the ache of abandonment, that I didn't realize I was the one rejecting and abandoning myself first.
It took a serious leap of faith to cut my hair off because it wasn’t just a haircut… It was a physical act of confronting my attachments and fear.
And guess what? Despite all the things I told myself…
I CUT MY HAIR, AND I’M STILL SEXY AF.
I cut my hair, and surprise, surprise… I’m still me. I’d say I’m even more me now than ever. I realised I had been hiding behind my hair... and I didn't want to anymore. It may seem like a trivial and clichéd thing – new hair, new me. But if I’m honest, this was one of several steps I’ve taken to say goodbye to these old beliefs and intentionally usher in a new type of self-love. One that was unconditional.
This experience made me realise the many different ways I have confronted my attachments and tried to nurture my self-love.
Some time ago, I made a conscious decision to embrace my authentic self, beginning with a symbolic act of discarding my hair straightener to celebrate my natural curls. This seemingly small choice marked the beginning of a newfound confidence, rooted in self-acceptance rather than conformity. I gradually let go of the compulsion to conceal my imperfections, like pimples and eased away from the daily routine of make-up application. This journey wasn't easy; it was fraught with vulnerability and fear, yet it led me to a more genuine version of myself, a self that was not determined by the pressures of external validation.
Part of this journey of self-reclamation also involved adorning my body with tattoos. For me, this was a declaration of autonomy – a statement that I alone dictate the narrative and appearance of my body. It represented a shift from viewing my body through a lens of shame and external judgment to seeing it as a canvas for personal expression and storytelling.
THESE WERE MY WAYS OF RECLAIMING MY SELF-LOVE AND CONFIDENCE.
The haircut, the tattoos, the poetry… these are small glimpses into a lifelong journey of unlearning entrenched habits and embracing my true self. It's important to clarify that this path is neither simple nor prescriptive. Self-love manifests uniquely for each individual, and there is no universal solution that fits all. Moreover, this evolution doesn't occur overnight. It's a gradual process, particularly challenging if you've been neglecting your own needs for years.
The examples I've shared are some cosmetic highlights. But behind them lies an extensive, often unseen history of personal development efforts – countless therapy sessions, numerous self-improvement workshops, weekends of retreats, and shelves of journals brimming with introspection and conjecture. Each of these steps, both big and small, have been instrumental in my journey towards self-acceptance and love.
SELF-LOVE HAS HAD TO BE A VERY PURPOSEFUL AND CONSCIOUS CHOICE FOR ME.
It’s something I fight for, almost every day. And I literally mean fight… because it’s f*cking hard sometimes. Yes, it’s about loving and celebrating myself in my moments of triumph, strength, grace and success, but most especially, it’s about loving myself in my darkest moments, when I am unproductive, jealous, insecure...
I have to choose myself every day. I still have mantras stuck on my bathroom mirror. Slowly but surely though, I can feel it becoming easier – instinctual rather than habitual. With self-love, just like with anything else, practice makes perfect.
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