Ever heard someone say, “Women are just too bitchy. It’s easier being friends with men”?
I'll admit, there was a time when those words could have come from me. But life, research, and a whole lot of self-reflection led me to peel back the layers of this statement… And I’ll tell ya, engaging in this self-reflection has been vital; it cleared the way for the many fulfilling, inspiring and wonderfully supportive female relationships I cherish today.
Here's the thing though: I used to gravitate more towards friendships with men. It felt easier - safer even. I hated the competitive edge that often punctuated my female friendships back in school. But why was this the case? Why is it that, even today, whenever I sit in women’s groups, I hear some variation of this statement: being vulnerable with other women feels too risky.
To start, let’s talk about social comparison theory.
Leon Festinger said that we all have this innate drive to evaluate ourselves, often in comparison to others. Now, in a perfect world, we'd look at our own progress over time as the benchmark. But we don't live in that world. Instead, we live in patriarchy - a world where women’s bodies are sexualised and used to sell stuff all the time. We live in a world where, despite significant progress, women are unknowingly trained from a very young age to observe themselves through the eyes of men, as objects of desire.
The funny thing is - we no longer need the ‘male gaze’ to objectify and sexualise us, we’ve learnt, through years of imposed gender roles, how to turn this gaze onto ourselves. From way back when women were confined to the domestic sphere, and their value (and future) was often heavily tied to securing a 'good' marriage with a man, women have been socialised to critique themselves according to their desirability. In this reality, one woman’s success is a direct threat to the prospects of another. Thus, the framework for rivalry and competition between women was established, and although the context has evolved, remnants of these outdated narratives continue to influence interactions among women today. This is why we feel in constant competition with other women… And this is why many women feel like they cannot get along with their sisters.
There’s no doubt that social media has made this rivalry and constant self-criticism worse.
By reducing us to likes and follows, while simultaneously magnifying societal standards that are, let’s be frank, pretty unrealistic... it's not a surprise. This isn't just feeling envious of your friend's new job or killer wardrobe though. It's how these comparisons can twist into a narrative that there's not enough success or love to go around, and the manifestations of this competition can be subtle yet damaging. Gossiping, exclusion, and backhanded compliments (things which are stereotypically associated with women) often emerge as coping mechanisms for insecurity, born from a misguided desire to ascend a social hierarchy that equates prominence with value.
In this landscape, our challenge is to redefine our measures of self-esteem and success.
We need to distance them from both the superficial validation of social media metrics and the antiquated notions of value which have their roots in patriarchy and historical gender roles.
In the words of Audre Lorde, “I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” Sisterhood isn't just about solidarity; it's about liberation. By understanding and dismantling the barriers that keep us apart, we open the door to more authentic connection. We can challenge the scarcity mindset that tells us another woman’s success diminishes our own and instead encourage a culture of mutual empowerment.
It's quite thrilling for me, as a millennial, to witness the evolution of sisterhood in our cultural narrative, especially considering that my formative years were influenced by movies like “Mean Girls”. This shift towards a more supportive and empowering view of female relationships is not just refreshing; it's vital. It represents a move away from stereotypes and towards a more inclusive and realistic understanding of what it means to stand together. I'm hopeful that this positive trend of celebrating sisterhood will persist, and that its power will not be underestimated, even amidst the ever-changing dynamics of social media, the resurgence of competitive ideologies, and the many societal pressures that still lurk in the backdrop of modern womanhood.
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